{"id":249,"date":"2007-07-18T14:47:59","date_gmt":"2007-07-18T19:47:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thekellehers.com\/index.php\/2007\/07\/18\/101-ways-to-know-your-software-project-is-doomed\/"},"modified":"2007-07-18T14:59:03","modified_gmt":"2007-07-18T19:59:03","slug":"101-ways-to-know-your-software-project-is-doomed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thekellehers.com\/index.php\/2007\/07\/18\/101-ways-to-know-your-software-project-is-doomed","title":{"rendered":"101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed"},"content":{"rendered":"

I thought that these were very funny, 101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed:<\/p>\n

\n
    \n
  1. Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall<\/li>\n
  2. You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame<\/li>\n
  3. The Continuous Integration server has returned the error message \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fuck it, I give up\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  4. You have implemented your own Ruby framework that uses XML configuration files<\/li>\n
  5. Your eldest team member references Martin Fowler<\/a> as a \u00e2\u20ac\u2122snot-nosed punk\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/li>\n
  6. Your source code control system is a series of folders on a shared drive<\/li>\n
  7. Allocated QA time is for Q and A why your crap is broken<\/li>\n
  8. All of your requirements are written on a used cocktail napkin<\/li>\n
  9. You start considering a new job so you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to maintain the application you are building<\/li>\n
  10. The lead web developer thinks the X in XHTML means \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcextreme\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 <\/li>\n

    <\/p>\n

  11. Ever iteration meeting starts with \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you want the good news or the bad news\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  12. Your team still gives a crap about its CMM Level<\/a><\/li>\n
  13. Progress is now measured by the number of fixed bugs and not completed features<\/li>\n
  14. Continuous Integration is getting new employees to read the employee handbook<\/li>\n
  15. You are friends with the janitor<\/li>\n
  16. The SCRUM master doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really care what you did yesterday or what you will do today<\/li>\n
  17. Every milestone ends in a dead sprint<\/li>\n
  18. Your best developer only has his A+ Certification<\/li>\n
  19. You do not understand the acronyms DRY, YAGNI, or KISS; but you do understand WTF, PHB, and FUBAR<\/li>\n
  20. Your manager could be replaced by an email redirection batch file<\/li>\n
  21. The only certification your software process has is ISO 9001\/2000<\/li>\n
  22. Your manager thinks \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcMetrics\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 is a type of protein drink<\/li>\n
  23. Every bug is prioritized as Critical<\/em><\/li>\n
  24. Every feature is prioritized as Trivial<\/em><\/li>\n
  25. Project estimates magically match the budget<\/li>\n
  26. Developers use the excuse of \u00e2\u20ac\u2122self documenting code\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 for no comments<\/li>\n
  27. Your favorite software pattern is God Object<\/a><\/li>\n
  28. You still believe compiling is a form of testing<\/li>\n
  29. Developers still use Notepad as an IDE<\/li>\n
  30. Your manager wastes 7 hours a week asking for progress reports (true story)<\/li>\n
  31. You do not have your own machine and you are not doing pair programming<\/li>\n
  32. Team Rule – No meetings until 10 AM since we were all here until 2 AM<\/li>\n
  33. Your team believes ORM is a \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcfad\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/li>\n
  34. Your team believes the transition from VB6 to VB.NET will be \u00e2\u20ac\u2122seamless\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/li>\n
  35. Your manager thinks MS Project is the best management tool the market offers<\/li>\n
  36. Your spouse only gets to see you on a webcam<\/li>\n
  37. None of your unit tests have asserts in them<\/li>\n
  38. FrontPage is your web page editor of choice<\/li>\n
  39. You get into flame wars if { should be on new line, but you are impartial to patterns such as MVC<\/li>\n
  40. The company motto is \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcDo more with less\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/li>\n
  41. The phrase \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcIt works on my machine\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 is heard more than once a day<\/li>\n
  42. The last conference your .NET team attended was Apple WWDC 2000<\/li>\n
  43. Your manager insists that you track all activity but never uses the information to make decisions<\/li>\n
  44. All debugging occurs on the live server<\/li>\n
  45. Your manager does not know how to check email<\/li>\n
  46. Your manager thinks being SOX<\/a> compliant means not working on baseball nights<\/li>\n
  47. The company hires Senetor Ted Stevens<\/a> to give your project kick-off inspiration speech<\/li>\n
  48. The last book you read – Visual InterDev 6 Bible<\/li>\n
  49. The overall budget is mistaken for your weekly Mountain Dew bill<\/li>\n
  50. Your manager spends his lunch hour crying in his car (another true story)<\/li>\n
  51. Your lead web developer defines AJAX as a cleaning product<\/li>\n
  52. Your boss expects you to spend the next 2 days creating a purchase request for a $50 component<\/li>\n
  53. The sales team decreased your estimates because they believe you can work faster<\/li>\n
  54. Requirement – Rank #1 on Google<\/li>\n
  55. Everyday you work until Midnight, everyday your boss leaves at 4:30<\/li>\n
  56. Your manager loves to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why do the developers care? They get paid by the hour.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  57. The night shift at Starbucks knows you by name<\/li>\n
  58. Management can not understand why anyone needs more than a single monitor<\/li>\n
  59. Your development team only uses source control as a power failure backup system<\/li>\n
  60. Developers are not responsible for any testing<\/li>\n
  61. The team does not use SVN because they believe the merge algorithms are black voodoo magic<\/li>\n
  62. Your white boards are mostly white (VersionOne<\/a>)<\/li>\n
  63. The client continually mistakes your burn-down chart for a burn-up chart<\/li>\n
  64. The project code name is renamed to \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcThe Death March\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/li>\n
  65. Now it physically pains you to say the word – Yes<\/li>\n
  66. Your teammates don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t refactor, they refuctor<\/a><\/li>\n
  67. To reward you for all of your overtime your boss purchases a new coffee maker<\/li>\n
  68. Your project budget is entered in the company ledger as \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcCorporate Overhead\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/li>\n
  69. You secretly outsource pieces of the project so you can blog at work<\/li>\n
  70. A Change Control Board is created and your product isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even its first alpha version<\/li>\n
  71. Daily you consider breaking your fingers for the short term disability check<\/li>\n
  72. The deadline has been renamed a \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcmilestone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6just like the last \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcmilestone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/li>\n
  73. Your project managers \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcopen door\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 policy only applies between 5:01 PM – 7:59 AM<\/li>\n
  74. Your boss argues \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why buy it when we can built it!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  75. You bring beer to the office during your 2nd shift<\/li>\n
  76. The project manager is spotted consulting a Ouija board<\/li>\n
  77. You give misinformation to your teammates so you look better on your personal review<\/li>\n
  78. All code reviews are scheduled a week before product launch<\/li>\n
  79. Budget for testing exists as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153if we have time\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  80. The client will only talk about the requirements after they receive a fixed estimation<\/li>\n
  81. The boss does not find the humor in Dilbert<\/li>\n
  82. You start noticing your boss\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s poker tells during planning poker<\/a><\/li>\n
  83. You start wondering if working 2 shifts at Pizza Hut is a better career alternative<\/li>\n
  84. All performance issues are resolved by getting larger machines<\/li>\n
  85. The project has been demoted to being released as a permanent \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcBeta\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 version<\/li>\n
  86. Your car is towed from the office parking lot as it was thought to be abandoned<\/li>\n
  87. The project manager likes to doodle during requirements gathering meetings<\/li>\n
  88. Your SCRUM team consists of 1<\/li>\n
  89. Your timesheet looks like a Powerball ticket<\/li>\n
  90. The web developer thinks being 508 means looking good in her Levi Red Tabs<\/li>\n
  91. You think you need Multiple Personality Disorder medication because you are Mort, Elvis, and Einstein<\/a><\/li>\n
  92. Your manager substitutes professional consultant advice for a Magic 8 Ball<\/li>\n
  93. You know exactly<\/em> how many compile warnings cause an \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcOut of Memory\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 exception in your IDE<\/li>\n
  94. I have used IDE twice in this list and you still don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what it stands for<\/li>\n
  95. You have cut and pasted code from The Daily WTF<\/a><\/li>\n
  96. Broken unit tests are deleted because they are obviously out of date<\/li>\n
  97. You are sent to a conference to learn, but you skip sessions to go hunting for swag<\/li>\n
  98. QA has nicknamed you Chief Off-By-One<\/li>\n
  99. You are using MOSS 2007<\/a><\/li>\n
  100. You have been 90% complete 90% of the time<\/li>\n
  101. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 thanks\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    I thought that these were very funny, 101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed: Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame The Continuous Integration server has returned the error message \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fuck it, I give up\u00e2\u20ac\u009d You have implemented your own Ruby […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-249","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-fun"],"yoast_head":"\n101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed - 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